INDIANA LOVE SONG (to the theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark") *updated*

Almost ten years in the making, I wrote the first couple stanzas -- the main chorus of the song --  in 1993 but always felt it needed at least one verse to go with it.  Fast forward to the present when this song is now the alarm ringtone that wakes me up every the morning (helps me start the day with a sense of adventure!) and from repeatedly singing along with it, the final part recently emerged. And so I present the newly updated version of the song~

When I'm with you

Oh my love

I'm with ev'ry-

Thing that 

I dream of

Oh my darlin'

What's to say

But I love you 

      I love you 

      I love you 

I love you Ole!

When I'm down 

And I'm feelin' blue

All I need

Is to think of you

And the sun-

Light comes shining through

Because just like that big magnificent bright burning star

You radiate that glorious light that you are

Turning night into day

No matter what obstacles lie in the way

To my heart

~April 21, 2013

Mighty Paul

I wrote this poem as part of a comic I drew where my characters went on an epic quest for the "Lost Lands" of Minnesota where the Minnesota Gods, including the legendary Paul Bunyan, live.  The first image below is the page preceeding the poem, to help set the poem into context.




















































In ancient days there was a time
When mountains were observed to climb
Beyond the point where birds could fly
Into the Minnesota sky.

The weight of this mountain terrain
Made Earth to groan beneath the strain
And so rose up the Devas' call:
"Your mother needs you mighty Paul!"

So to Minnesota went
The axe-wielding titanic gent
Whose double blades could make to fall
The greatest mountains, short or tall.

The earth's Devas were heard to sing
With every single labrys swing
Which levelled mountains, peaks and all
For mighty Babe the Blue to haul
Dispersing well the cause of pain
So Mother Earth could breathe again.

Where mountains' weight had left a dent
The flow of glacial waters went
To ease the sores of Mother's skin
So healing there could well begin.

And where the ox's litter passed,
Filled up with boulders Paul had cast,
Back and forth the earth was smoothed,
Thus by massage her aches were soothed

And there the prairie grasses grew
By hand of garden Devas who,
To form against the sun a shield,
Plant vast arrays of flowered field.

And so healing was brought to all
By Earth's guardian, mighty Paul
Whose deeds were nothing short of grand
And shaped the Minnesota land.

THEME from XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS

(lyrics I put to the Xena Theme Song:)

Xena is coming
So you'd best beware!
Xena is coming
In her long black hair!

Xena is coming
So you'd best watch out!
Xena is coming
Hear her warrior shout!

Then there's lovely Gabrielle
She will give you HELL!

Xena is coming
In her warrior's way!
Xena is coming
TODAY!!

~90s

THE MERCURY RETROGRADE POLKA

What did you say? No! That's not what I meant!
I promise I never told you to get bent!
All of this gibberish is heaven-sent!
The Mercury Retrograde Polka

My engine won't start. Wait! What? No gasoline?!
Mapquest directions said 'King Street' not 'Queen'!
Hey! Can you tell? Is that light red or green?
The Mercury Retrograde Polka

The gas tank is empty, the voice-mail is full
The matte-finish paint job is shiny not dull
My coffee got pooped in by a passing sea gull
The Mercury Retrograde Polka

~August 6, 2011

BRIAN JACQUES & JONATHON FRAKES

Brian Jacques and Jonathon Frakes
were sitting down for tea
Said Jonathon Frakes to Brian Jacques,
"What animal would I be?"
Brian Jacques told Jonathon Frakes
"It doesn't matter, you see --
For Jonathon Frakes," said Brian Jacques,
"You're number one to me!"

~July 3, 2008

to the tune of THE WRECK OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD

I ran out of soap, could I be such a dope
To think that my undies got cleaner?
Don't care what you see if they're covering me
And no one can look at my wiener.

~May 2000

A TATER IN THE BAY OF MAINE

A tater in the bay of Maine
Was floating in his boat
A-wishing he'd a-picked a different
Ship's mate than a goat.

No sooner came the goat aboard
Than all the lines he ate,
And soon the mast and anchor both
He cleaned up off his plate.

It wasn't long, nothing remained,
No single board in place
The tater floated in the bay
A goat before his face.

A tater in the bay of Main
Was floating in his goat
A-thinking for a ship's mate next time
he would pick a stoat
(because they're not vegetarian).

~July 14, 1999

MY SAILING CHIP

I threw a chip into the dip
And found it would not float

I would not cease and found a piece
I made into a boat

Upon a sea, most garlicky,
My ship sailed proud and tall

Til run ashore on mushroom spore
It answered siren's call

It took not long to right this wrong
And send it on it's way

It's final trip, my sailing chip
Rests in my stomach's bay

~November 9, 1998

THE GRAVEYARD OF POTATOES

Through my childhood crystal clear
Comes images of things I'd hear
Of myths and legends far and near
But one alone brought so much cheer
     All others seemed comatose
With in my memories wide and deep
There sits a certain compost heap
That makes my mind and heart to leap
     The Graveyard of Potatoes

And so within my sheltered youth
I caught a glimpse of hidden truth
Thus called my destiny forsooth
Though others may think it uncouth
     To follow where my fate goes
To others it may seem a dream
But I have seen the truth to gleam
And ride a bright silver moonbeam
     To the Graveyard of Potatoes

Thus my path was clearly plain
A walking down the garden lane
Arguably slightly insane
For though my plan involved some pain
     `Twas necessary I s`pose
No time to contemplate my deed
I found a tater, made it bleed
I knew its dying trail would lead
     to the Graveyard of Potatoes

In rising joy I walked behind
This potato won't mind
His life be forfeit for this find
To benefit all human kind
     His sacrifice held purpose
I walked along ecstatically
Until the trail ceased suddenly
And a guardian stood between me
     And the Graveyard of Potatoes

A grand potato ten feet high
Towering there with every eye
A-fixed upon me where I cry
For fear that I would surely die
     Beneath one of his big toes
But he spoke forth his great missives
And called doubtful my objectives
For one arrives and lives
     At the Graveyard of Potatoes

Then a beam shot from his eyes
Transforming me in shape and size
Despite all m mournful cries
I knew it good and only wise
     To atone the path that I chose
So now I serve a full life term
Amongst the compost I must squirm
A slimy little mealy worm
     In  the Graveyard of Potatoes

It must seem bad there from your view
For me though, do not be blue
I've lived my dream and seen it through
Though not how I imagined, true,
     But that's the way life goes
I payback my misled intent
Discovering I'm quite content
To see my final breath be spent
    In the Graveyard of Potatoes

~April 1997

GARDEN BY THE SEA

When I was a young lad
I thought it quite delicious
To eat out with the fishes
In my garden by the sea

Now that i am older
My heart is overspilling
To these friends that I am grilling
My aquatic family

So take my hand in fin now
In great exhuberation
Our oceanic nation
Delves through sweet eternity

Someday time won't hold us
We'll all come home a swimmin'
The fish men and the women
In a joyful revelry

And when we get together
We'll find it most auspicious
To eat out with a fishes
In a garden by the sea

~September 13, 1995

ASCENDED MASTER BLUES

It seemed ascension was the answer
So I let me spirit soar
But the brotherhood of masters
Is really quite a bore

      There's no going backwards

      Once you've paid your dues

      I should have seen it coming

      There's just no way to lose

      These Ascended Master Blues

Now that I am omnipresent

There's no where else to go

And since I am all wisdom

What else is there to know?

      I guess I did too well then

      To learn my P's and Q's

      But what good's a Master's

      Degree that you can't use?
      These Ascended Master Blues

There's no point in socializing

When I am everyone

I can hang out with my self

But parties aren't much fun

      Once you are enlightened

      You can't escape with booze

      But you best enjoy it 'cuz it's

      More permanent than tattoos

      These Ascended Master Blues

And I don't have a cool name

Like Mafu or The Ram

Who would want to listen

To the Ascended Master Sam?

      I guess I'm on my own now

      I have no more gurus

      But once you've walked on water

      It's no longer front page news

      These Ascended Master Blues

There is no need to worry

There's no heaven and no hell

But before you try ascending

Better read the fine print well

      'Cuz once you have awakened

      You can no longer snooze

      If I could do it over

      I don't think I'd choose

      These Ascended Master Blues

~February 26, 1995

QUEST FOR THE HOLY TOT

'Twas long ago in the land of Scot,
I came to seek the quest I sought:
The Holy Golden Tater Tot --
The one divine, the one begot
In the Prime Potato's garden plot
Before all space and time was wrought.

So 'cross the globe my feet had trot
Until the trail my senses caught,
And tracked it to a vacant lot
Behind a bar -- "The Captain's Yacht" --
Where on a humble, simple cot
Reclined my sacred tater tot.

Toward me there a glance she shot,
Which made my stomach twist a knot,
Then smiling said, "You silly sot!
My name is Muckletubliot,
But you may simply call me Dot."

At first my fears were prickly hot,
But then she made me worry not
So there I found myself a spot,
And sat upon a flower pot,
To listen to the things she taught --
The lessons of a cosmic plot
Where she, an ancient cosmonaut --
An asteroid, a star pilot --
Had flown the cosmos like a shot;
A wondrous path, a journey fraught
With many dangers she had fought.
Then one day she grew distraught,
And so from that day on she sought
A place of peace -- a Camelot --
And so to Earth came Tater Dot.

"And so my friend, my Lancelot,
These things to you I've gladly brought
'Cuz all I am and all I've got
Cannot be borrowed, sold or bought
For in me lies each trace of thought
Of unknown worlds and worlds forgot."

She turned away, a tear to blot,
(I think a glimpse of pride I caught)
As she continued her onslaught --

"I know I've said more than I ought,
But in this life this is my lot --
To be a tater ne'er to rot --
The Universal Life's mascot."

At that I stood from where I'd squat
Embracing Muckletubliot,
For I had found the quest I'd sought:
This wise and ancient as-spud-naut --
The Holy Golden Tater Dot!

~July 11, 1994

THE BALLAD OF ALOYSIUS FRY

As I look what do I spy?
A single golden french fry.
He stood tall and whispered, "Hi,
Aloysius Spun am I."
Then with an impish smile, wry,
He said, "I think that I can fly,
At least I know that I must try."
Then came silence -- but a sigh --
And with a curdling banshee cry
Aloysius Spud French Fry,
My little friend so young and spry,
From the table lept he high
And for a moment did defy
Gravity's operandi.
But when that moment passed on by
My special little tater guy
On the kitchen floor did lie
A broken little hash-brown pie.

How could I but help to cry
And wipe a tear drop from my eye
With a tissue -- double ply --
Asking, asking, "Why? Oh Why?
Why'd my french fry have to die?"
From the floor he I did pry
Then I stopped and gasped, "Oh my!"
For with my inner, mental eye
I saw Aloysius Fry
Swooping, swirling, soaring high
Through a mashed potato sky
Happy now that he could fly.
And with a laugh and wink so sly,
As he waved his last good-bye,
mentally projected nigh.
The moral of this story, wry --
"With naught but taters 'hind the eye,
Best think twice before you fly."

~February, 1994

INDIANA LOVE SONG (to the theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark")

When I'm with you
Oh my love
I'm with ev'ry-
Thing that I dream of

Oh my darlin'
What's to say
But I love you
      I love you
      I love you
I love you ole!

~October 1, 1993

*NOTE* TO SEE UPDATED VERSION CLICK HERE

SIX AND TWENTY

Six and twenty half-pence
A croc-a-gator wine
Black and seven fly birds
Walking in a line

1991ish

THE FROG

I was born into a world
A vast and stagnant bog
And I was told from that day forth
I was a sinful frog

So I began to suffer fate
I lived a life enslaved
For someday some great deity
Would come and I'd be saved

It wasn't long, there came a time
I wondered of my youth
I saw the cold and emptiness
Of their One Great Truth

So cautiously I wandered out
Lest someone call me fool
And came at last where none had gone
The edge of that dark pool

It was there, a wondrous light
I viewed a different earth
There I found a fullness -- There I
Found my own self-worth

I stepped a foot out of the swamp
A shoe there came to be
The rest of me soon followed suit
A prince became from me

I needed not a princess' kiss
To break an evil spell
I only need believe in me
And know that I am swell

I wasted not my time on rage
But quickly took my way
I let them wallow in the past
While I seized the day

I love them still as they remain
Happy in their sorrow
But nothing now can hold me back
Living my tomorrow

~June 5, 1990

THE COW SONG

I'm gonna play this ol' guitar until the cows come home
a-moo a-moo
I don't know why they had to go to Gnome
a-moo a-moo

They wanted to see a real live Eskimo
But all that happened was their milk had turned to snow
a-moo a-moo a-moo

I'm gonna play this ol' guitar until the cows come home
a-moo a-moo
It's the e-pit-o-me, or is that epi-tome?
a-moo a-moo

I guess water is thicker than blood
That is of course if you've got to chew your cud
a-moo a-moo a-moo

I'm gonna play this ol guitar until the cows come home
a-moo a-moo
I don't know why they had to go to Rome
a-moo a-moo

They have an appointment with the pope right about now
Some silly business about a holy cow
a-moo a-moo a-moo

I'm gonna play this ol' guitar until the cows come home
a-moo a-moo
They've got a idol, a cow made out of chrome
a-moo a-moo

They kneel in worship, it brings them good luck
They got it of some cowboy's pickup truck
a-moo a-moo a-moo

~June 6, 1989

ON A HUNCH

On a hunch I bought some Crunch
The Cap'n's berries sweet

Into the bath like grapes of wrath
They stomped beneath my feet

When I was done the Cap'n won
He would not cross the line

My tub was full of cereal
Refusing yet to whine

~March 25, 1989

LIVING ON THE LEG OF A DOG

C. We're living on the leg of a dog
My name is Bill and my brother's name is Grog
We'd drown on the leg of a frog
So we're living on the leg of a dog

1. Now it's just my brother and me
There used to be more like a hundred and three
But he got a new collar, you see
It ain't easy bein' a flea

2. Life just can't always be fair
Sometimes we talk about movin' somewhere
But then again I don't care
'Cuz what would we do without hair?

3. There's nothing here that just can't wait
There's no social functions so we're never late
I open an office at eight
And sell doggy real estate

~January 21, 1989

THERE ONCE WAS A GRIZZLY BEAR GEORGE

There once was a grizzly bear George
Who lived in a bottomless gorge
He ate up the girl
With the long golden curl
Because she had eaten his porr'ge

~January 30, 1989